This morning in my meditation I found yet another layer of not good enough not worthy.
This one surprised me with the strength and depth it felt not big but expansive.
As I went in to meet this not good enough, I had a fleeting thought how much more of this is there, the answer swift in its reply until there is no more. Okay, let’s look at this as I dived into this literally as my visual was standing on the edge of a cliff it was, jump or walk away. walking away was not an option so jump I did. I found this level of not good enough is that I’m not good enough for the Institute (Institute for Intuitive Intelligence) .. What! Im just ready to graduate from the 3rd level and this comes up! show me as I listened and felt into what I was seeing. the story unfolded.
When I entered the 3rd level I was looking for answers to myself to my reluctance to share my wisdom, to my hiding all the time and as we do when we are hurting we look outside of ourselves, I was looking for me and my fears were powerful they had been my guardians for so long, spiritual bypassing was a way of life move on to the next modality leave that one because it’s not working, Oh that one looks better, feels better etc always moving never staying long enough and never using the practices. So when I entered the 3rd level I already had an intention to meet myself fully and get past all the BS. What I found this year is all the patterns that have been conditioned in the tribal stuff in the bases chakra that says you can’t do that you cant be different you have to stay like us all of this had my own emotional twist, as we all do when situations present themselves and our state of being is less than what it should be we imprint another level another layer on top of what’s already there. its a pattern humanity holds but that is changing as we all do the work on ourselves.
As I looked at all of this I asked why do I feel not good enough for The institute and this is what I received. Im not bold, bright, brilliant, a firecracker, a bombshell, a superstar so therefore im not good enough for the institute.
Thank you! for showing me this. I leaned into my micro method and my heart congruence, I sat with the feeling and let the fear and shame of this rise up and under that was the layers of not allowing myself to connect to people, not allowing myself to have friendships, networking connections, not allowing myself to be seen.
Why? because I am not the right look, the right age, the right type, the right shape.
I should stay out of sight. Wow, this one got me, really got me I wanted to run from this all the qway back into solitude, back into hiding in the dark ,but i didnt,
I stayed! I really felt the feeling of it and sat with it in curiosity. (This is a testament to the work I have done in 2020 really looking at what my faulty beliefs are with curiosity and non judgement)
Under that layer was this. You can’t just love part of yourself you have to love all of yourself every bit, the jiggly wobbly pieces, the features that look like someone else when you look in the mirror, the anxiety the fear all of it every piece of you. I began to feel the love I have found for myself and let it flow through me. It took me back to the sexual trauma of losing my virginity and the need to hide in plain sight by being over the top and brash and how that was the most unloving way I could be by pushing everything down and locking it in a box I lived from my shadows my whole life when it came to surviving in the world with others my balance was being me at home but not fully me the best me i knew how to bring . Because the reality is I didn’t know who I was.
After a year of training in fear hunting and becoming a spiritual trainer I am more able to see the faulty beliefs , the belief system that isn’t always mine but has been wrapped lovingly around me by elders, caregivers, teachers, society and our families. It is a skill anyone can learn we are all intuitive in our own way and are all boron with this ability being Intune is a muscle we all develop or we don’t , its much learning to drive , ride a bike or learn a new language we wont all do it but the ability is there if you feel the stirrings or begin to experience knowing’s, voices ,strong feelings about the moods of others , pain etc.
It is being in alignment with yourself and listening to your inner tuition (intuition)
Now as I exit the temple I know more about me, than I ever have ,I’m still learning about me and wonder if I will ever completely know me but that’s perfectly fine because I am evolving and evolving means growing and moving and that’s what I’m doing growing into myself. Moving into each layer as it comes up and allowing myself the privilege of meeting my fears, my stories and accepting that a lifetime of learned habits can change if you let yourself believe you’re worth it.
You are enough for you.
Allow yourself to believe and achieve. To believe yoyu truly are the teacher you have been seeking all of your life.
Trust, have faith and let yourself truly be free. whatever that feels and looks like for you is perfect for you .
we are all unique and we are all the same we just wear different earth suits.
Donna October 2020
If you want to know more about the institute for intuitive intelligence or the Third Level program click this link https://instituteforintuitiveintelligence.com/